Last night I saw John K. Samson, and I swear, every time I see him it makes me want to do insane things. I stand there with my mouth wide open and my hands clasped in front of me, he is my elvis and I am his 1950's poodle-skirted teeny bopper. The Weakerthans have been one of my favorite bands since high school and even after their lackadaisical recent album, I am still a devoted fan. Granted the night was strange, seeing Harry and Justin and Bunky in the same place makes me feel like all these different parts of my life are coming together, only haphazardly and too fast. There are x's on my hands to signify my youth. I stole a wristband anyway, or rather, was given one by Harry who slipped his off his wrist.
There are few reasons why I love boston, one of them being that I am actually given the opportunity to see great things if I really want to see them. My life here has been strange, and I always feel like I'm swimming against the tide, but I don't think I would be satisfied any where else. I would always wonder what it would have been like if I had actually gone to Boston, which was where my heart really wanted to go. My heart. How did I get so melodramatic? Am I the only person who makes decisions solely based on what her heart is saying? When did a heart grow a mouth and learn to speak?
The band that opened for the Weakerthans was a group called The Last Town Chorus. It included an adorable girl from Brooklyn and a nerdy sidekick from Sleepy Hollow, NY (represent!). They made me happy, because they seemed real. After the show, the girl stood outside and waved at everyone and everyone walked past her because nobody realized she was the one they were all swooning over not two hours before. But Justin noticed her, and Harry, and they both talked to her so I gathered all my courage and my samson-inspired hopefulness and ran up to her like a psychopath: Do you remember meeting a boy in colorado? You called him adorable? He told me and asked me to ask you but you don't remember, it's okay, he's my friend. You were great!
To which she grabbed my hand, and kissed it, and said "We'll meet again some day." I think she might have misinterpreted me, but i am still grateful for her response to my weak-hearted weepiness.
My parents visited last weekend and it made me unusually happy. Usually after their visits I am disgruntled and grumbling about the many inconsiderate things they had done. I don't know why I do this. I do miss them an awful lot, and think they are unnecessarily proud of me, and I am happy to be able to provide them with something to be unnecessarily proud of. I still feel like I'm doing nothing though, I still feel like I am treading water that is too deep. I thought that would change drastically this year, but lo and behold, with one rejection i am back on the cutting room floor trying to remember what it was in high school that made me so love my school work, so obedient, and so untouchable.
I would like to remake friends with friends I have lost touch with. I understand that sometimes it just isn't in the cards for people, but this always ends up upsetting me. Kyle, I would not have spent six years of my life pining over you if it was all for naught. I don't know why you don't see the end of this tunnel, and I think you are misinterpreting the things I am saying to you. You're right, there are things I will not ever understand. But I understand you, and I understand how I feel about you, and how that is never going to change. If I lose touch with you, i think i will lose everything. I know that's dramatic, but I'm just saying.
I talked to Karlo tonight for an hour. I think he just checks in every few months to renew our friend contract and make sure he is still in my wedding. There is a point of glory in every boy's life... I'm afraid that might be his. But it always makes me happy to hear from him because it reminds me that some people are just going to be in my life forever, no matter if it's a phone call three times a year or if I see them every day. My feelings towards friends don't change, apparently, there actually is something in me that is reliable. Something that lasts.
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