all the good that won't come out of us

So my life has come down to a forgettable amount of insignificant things. The majority of my days take place in a flower shack in a tiny town, where I observe the most fascinating relationships. And i think, do we look like that? Cow eyes, me, the moon? No, it's not right. I should want this forever and ever sort of thing, I should want him around, with me all the time.
But, no, this is what i want: I want pristine, endless days, where it always feels like the sun is rising. Where we drink coffee all day and eat nothing but food that is weightless and our memories don't bring us down, way back down to nothing.
I've gotten my apologies, and I've gotten my rewards. And now I feel like I'm finally in this place where nothing is messed up, and I can't enjoy it, because I'm too busy messing something else up. I don't live in the real world. I don't want to, I never want to live in the world where a million other people are walking in and out of my space and traipsing all over me with their mislead notions and desperate pleas for approval. I wish they would all stop, actually, because I really do love people, and I know that I have a fiendish capacity for love that has landed me in the most complicated of situations, tangled up in what should be and what is, for all time. I can't say sorry, really, because what sin is rooted by an overabundance of love? And how could you ever apologize for it?
The thing is, small is fucking beautiful, right? And I am fine with my life the way it is now, but there is still something bugging me that I can't ignore, that I could never. I don't know what it is, but I know that I'm laying on the floor of my room right now in my empty house in westchester new york and I am thinking about being somewhere else. Always thinking about being somewhere else, and why is it that I never want to be exactly where I am? Maybe I did, once, but maybe only because i know for certain that that place was fleeting and that to stay was an impossibility, thus I wanted it. Every time i think I have it all sorted out, something else just comes, rising to the surface.

I think I just need to go to the beach.