because it was snowing, and they were bored

I want to throw this paper out, and curl up in a ball, and watch bad t.v. with my roommates. What do people talk about anymore? I cannot seem to remember. I wish they would talk about feeling strange and lonely, but they mostly talk about bad t.v. A suitable substitute, i think. There is only a week left in the semester, and by week I mean three days of finals for me, and then I am going home. I am half filled with excitement and half with dread. This paper is killing me slowly with a hundred tiny paper cuts.
I feel like I'm in a very large office. It's really just a big room on the second floor of the gsu. just hear this and then I'll go. Once a boy sang this song to me, when I was a senior in high school. I'd broken his heart, and he couldn't stop playing it over. And I just didn't care.
It's not that I didn't care. It's that I couldn't. I think. My heart is filling up with snow.
This is a nice place I've landed in, I just don't know why I could never bring myself to stay.

i was there for you when you were lonely, i was there when you were bad

I was there when you were sad.... This morning I woke up at 8 a.m. to write my paper. By ten I needed to take a nap, so I did, and now it's 1130 and I'm trying to understand why it is that I always make things difficult for myself. I think i'm mildly addicted to a drug, which worries me kind of to a large extent, but at the same time all I am thinking about is passing school and getting away away away from here, so it's like the life I'm making here doesn't even matter. I think it's healthy to be ready to build something up and then give it all away, I just can't bring myself to build it properly since the thing I'm building is only going away to people who absolutely don't care. I'd like for this to make sense to at least one person, just one person, and that would mean the world to me.

I'd like to see you but really I should stay away
And let you settle down, I've got no claims to your crown
I was the boss of you
And I loved you, you know I loved you...it's all over now...

And I was there for you when you were lonely
I was there when you were bad,
I was there when you were sad.
Now it's my time of need
I'm thinking, do I have to plead to get you by my side?


I'm going to make a list of good ideas and write them down as I go along, because it seems to me that I never have them when I'm supposed to.

your teeth are white stones in a river bed

Don't sit down and have lunch with strangers, or near-strangers, when you're feeling blue. Just don't do it. This will only exacerbate your sadnesses, make them seem out of hand, so that your blues will seem so blue there is nothing you can do about it.
I woke up and I was looking for you. I was looking for you all day and there was nothing I could find that seemed even remotely like you. But I'm blue so what can you do? Wait for it to pass.
Sitting near acquaintances whom I wish were my friends makes these blues worse. I thought...we could...and then? Nothing. There is no you and I, there is not an us as in friendship. It's all pieces that once were there and no longer fit and I might just leave because of it.

we're kings among runaways...

This is where I was when I listened to this song:
in the rain, in barcelona, as seen from a bus at forty miles an hour on too little sleep and too little coffee. We were homeless, and it was always you and I, huddled in door frames and waiting at the bus stops for someone to pick us up. How is it so easy for me to imagine us as children? Why do I dream you, as I know you, through the phone? As if telephone wires, as if internet photos will ever make up for a real person.
So, how do I miss you?
I couldn't really tell you how. It's like there are no words. Our brains have taken over, taken to each other, and convinced us into love like it's air or like it's water. It's strange, really, to think that this toxic mix of chemistry and convincing evidence could really make for a strong relationship. And yet...and yet... I have to believe that it has. I don't know what else to make of this, then, if it weren't for you, and your face, and everything that I could say I love you about without feeling the slightest hesitation or anxiety about what would come next. Weird.